As amazing as life can be, there are moments when you just feel like giving up completely. Letting every little thing that hunts you down to win and letting yourself drown with what could’ve been and what can never be.
Today is my birthday. I was trying to stop myself from posting something that I might regret later. For goodness sake, this day haven’t even started yet! But I couldn’t wait anymore.. You see, I have been carrying this heavy feeling in my heart for the past weeks. I have so many concerns, worries, and different kinds of frustrations in my life. Don’t get me wrong; I am truly grateful for everything that God has blessed me with. Without Him, I wouldn’t be here. Nothing would be here. It’s just that I am not happy. For whatever reason, I can’t feel anything but sadness in my heart.
Many things have changed, even with the people that I am surrounded with. They have grown in the best way possible and everyone seems happy with what they have become and all I can see is how endless their development would be. But as for me? I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still stuck with my own memory of the past. I am still the clumsy, irresponsible, and impatient armenia. I can’t help but to think how worthless I am even at this age. I am still ignorant with so many things. And what frustrates me most about myself is how sensitive and emotional I am when it comes to the people I love. Sobrang nakaka irita yung pagka-clingy ko. Most of the time, I feel like I bother them so much with my presence. And it saddens me when they don’t love me as much as I love them. I know it shouldn’t be this way. It is their choice whether to love me back or not but it’s in my nature to demand something which can’t be demanded. Can you now see why I am this frustrated with myself? I can see no growth whether with personality or with all that I am.
How can I get these heavy feelings off my chest? How can I regain the confidence that I once had with myself? How can I make myself believe that all these hurdles are just blessings in disguise?
Kailan nga ba ang tamang panahon?
I guess it’s safe to say that I am now feeling a little bit better after pouring all my thoughts and frustrations on this blog.. at least. It may take an ample amount of time before I can fully grasp the lessons that I have yet to learn on this stumbling block.
But for now, here’s a selfie from the birthday gurl:
This smile is brought to you by the loving Father up there who kept me going for the past 20 years of my life. His gracious love and kindness for me (us) is the reason why I (we) still exist in this messy but beautiful, beautiful life. Everything will be okay menia, just trust Him. Atta gurl.
Much love, Armenia