Looking back, I really did took a hard left turn instead of turning to the right. It took every fiber of my being to make a decision that was all mine and yet I wasn’t happy. I thought, “If I can’t make myself happy, who will?”.
As I scan through my diary for the past months, the dryness that I felt during those times came back all at once. I felt so empty inside. I was smiling, laughing, crying, hurting, and surviving, but it was different. It felt like I was a machine designed to feel those things. It was more like a routinary activity that I needed to do everyday. It felt horrible and devastating. My whole being is being sucked up by an unknown force and yet I’m not doing anything to get it all back. Instead of being in control, I was controlled by my own selfishness, greediness, troubles, and worries in my life. I never felt so out of control and it’s destroying my whole being.
On my birthday, I did some reflections about what’s happening in my life lately. It was our college days back then so I had all the time to pause and pray. I wrote about all my frustrations in my life, my failures, what I can’t do, what I did, and all the things that made my heart feel so heavy. I can’t exactly write here about everything, but it all boils down to one thing: I needed God, I need God more than ever, I need to let Him be part of my life again, He needs to be the center of my life again. He needs to take the wheel from me again. So I did. I got up, read my bible, wrote everything, endless thoughts, prayed over and over again, asked for God’s forgiveness, and everything that I felt like God wants me to do.
As I was reflecting, I came across this verse over and over again:
“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” /Philippians 4:6-7
You see, my quiet time with the Lord made me realized a lot of things. In the midst of all the chaos I was experiencing inside my mind and my heart, with all the wars I was battling with, and with all the fight that needs to be fought, all I needed was God’s peace. All I needed was God; not my ipod, my sleep, my worries, food, and all the destressing method I could think of. Ang Panginoon lang pala ang kailangan ko. It’s only God who can make me feel happy again. It’s only God who will let me experience the joy of life. It’s God who let me feel how be alive again. Siya lamang, ang Panginoon ko lamang. I may or may not feel this kind of spiritual dryness again but one thing is for sure, I will always have God. Always.
It is quite fast to say that I am now all better but I do. I really really do. I guess all I needed was a break. Kailangan ko lang pala magkaroon ng coffee break with God. Sometimes, the things that we planned or carefully decided may not go as we wanted them to be. It would break you, hurt you, and make you feel worthless. But we need to get back up. We can’t dwell on something that made us feel lost. Mas lalo lang tayong mawawala. Look forward, move forward, and see how God can turn you back on the right track. Mahirap, pero kakayanin. Because we have our faith, we may never understand what is happening but that’s okay. Andami ko pang gustong sabihin but I guess I can’t put everything into words, basta ang narealized ko ngayon; it’s okay to fail, to not be in control, to be sad, to feel broken because that is the purpose of having Jesus Christ in our life. Sabi nga ni Jarrid Wilson, it’s okay to not have it all together because that is the beauty of having God in our life. 🙂
So folks, just remember pause, pray, and find God’s peace.
Be strong. Have a good day y’all. Be a blessing!