Looking back, I really did took a hard left turn instead of turning to the right. It took every fiber of my being to make a decision that was all mine and yet I wasn’t happy. I thought, “If I can’t make myself happy, who will?”.
The struggle of an accountancy student of HAU definitely do not start on the first day of class, it starts when you try to get a line number from the most polite security guard to pay for your most affordable tuition fee and from then on, everything is a battle.
Oh come on! This picture has everything to do with my story, alright? This is not just a simple selfie-while-drinking-coffee photo. Aryt, let’s get into it.
I found this manga long ago and to tell you the truth I was not eager to read it at all. Well, mainly because it’s still ongoing and I can’t stress enough how much it bothers me when I read an ongoing manga (except for one piece, like hello???) But yesterday, out of boredom, I went to mangafox site to find an interesting romance manga and then out of the blue (just like how yaya dub appeared right before alden’s eyes!!!!) I saw Orange (TAKANO Ichigo). I was immediately hooked with the story, which I prefer to not reveal because really I’m bad at making reviews/summary. I tend to spoil everything using one sentence. So to be clear guys, I am making a recommendation here.
As amazing as life can be, there are moments when you just feel like giving up completely. Letting every little thing that hunts you down to win and letting yourself drown with what could’ve been and what can never be.
Today is my birthday. I was trying to stop myself from posting something that I might regret later. For goodness sake, this day haven’t even started yet! But I couldn’t wait anymore.. You see, I have been carrying this heavy feeling in my heart for the past weeks. I have so many concerns, worries, and different kinds of frustrations in my life. Don’t get me wrong; I am truly grateful for everything that God has blessed me with. Without Him, I wouldn’t be here. Nothing would be here. It’s just that I am not happy. For whatever reason, I can’t feel anything but sadness in my heart.
When will I ever escape this place? It pains me that my second blog post will be about how much I hate my life as of this moment. I always loved being in control about everything but my life isn’t exactly as controllable as I thought it would be. Seems like more often than not I am the one who is being controlled. It’s frustrating and so depressing on my part. For that, I wanted to leave everything behind and be a whole new person. I wanted to explore more, make decisions by myself, make mistakes and learning how to confront them or I will cry because of a stupid decision that I made, but at least it was my own decision, at least I have every right to be mad to myself and I’ve got no one to blame. At least it is my life and I have every right to destroy or make myself successful.
It is my life and yet I am bound to follow someone’s point of view on how to run it. It is my life and yet I need to comply with everyone’s perception on how should I live it. It is my life and yet it isn’t.
I’ll make no excuses for leaving this blog for awhile because first, I don’t have any, and second, I’ve been too busy dealing with my life lately aka my reality.
The past three months has been mostly about school. My life, as boring as it is, came back with its usual routine but with a twist. I am now starting to realize that I am getting older and soon I have to act like an adult. Every night, I can’t help but to think about what I really want to do with my life. Yes, I am an accountancy student and I want to graduate, pass the board exam, and be a CPA. But lately, I’ve been wondering if I can really do it. There are a lot of accountancy students out there who are far more intelligent and confident than I am. Ang hirap kasi, e. It’s so hard to work to be on top when everyone else seems to get it in the easiest way. It seems unfair at nakakawalang-gana. Last semester, I lost my chance to graduate with flying colors. Not that I am hurt, I am just too disappointed with myself. Kung ginalingan ko pa sana, kung nagsipag pa sana ako, kung nagpuyat pa sana ako ng isa pang oras, at kung nagsagot pa sana ako ng isa pang problem, baka andyan pa, baka may chance pako, baka sakaling mas maging proud ang parents ko.
Pero inisip ko nalang, may mas maganda sigurong plano si Lord sa aken. I have to let go some things in order to give space for something better. Ito talaga siguro yung pagiging adult; learning how accept things even if hurts, letting go of things that you can never change, and accepting the fact that not everything happens the way you want them to. I can’t say that I have learned a lot about life for the past nineteen years but now that I am almost tweenteen-y, I’ll try my best to experience life to the fullest. I still have a lot to learn. Madami pa, sobra. I am nowhere near my ideal self. Sabi nga sa PDPR, self-development is a long-term commitment. Kaya cheers to slowly becoming an adult, menia! Enjoy your journey! 🙂
U too, have a wonderful journey to whatever road you take! x
I was thinking of making a separate post about this one. But Mr. Procrastination got in the way and Mr. Brain cannot function properly since the qualifying exam. Besides, Mr. Heart is slowly moving on with all the frustration it felt since the breaking news. Yes, Zayn Malik officially left One Direction. Without any clues or preparation, he left us. I really don’t know exactly what I felt that day. I was confused, dumb-founded, disappointed, and most of all hurt.
You see, Zayn is my most favorite among the band members. At first, it was just about his good looks then I properly heard his beautiful singing voice then I discovered how unimaginably kind he is. In fact, he is the kindest member of the band (at least for me). He is a family man, a one-woman man, and a believer of God. He is not exactly as what the media presents to us. If you’re not a fan or you’re just someone who knows Zayn Malik you will probably think that he is a bad boy and a guy who smokes and does bad things. But I’m telling you, he is not. Well, he smokes (obviously) and he does bad things to other people who hurt his friends or family. I know he is not perfect and maybe that’s the reason why he kind of left us. He’s tired of all the issues that the media throws at him and his family, he’s tired of all the inconsiderate fans, he is tired of leaving his family behind during tours, and he is tired of making other people happy to the extent that he’s not happy with what he is doing anymore, and thus slowly losing himself.
Just like all of us, he is trying to find himself once again. It may not be the right thing for us (his fans) but maybe it is the right thing to do for him. I am not ultimately agreeing with his decision, you know. I am still hoping that he would come back to 1D again. But then, as I said, it’s not my (our) decision to make. And we do not obviously have the right to dictate him.
Anyway, I still wish you all the best Zayn and I hope this path that you chose will genuinely make you happy! I am still a fan you know! Let’s see where this direction can take us.
Your ultimate fan and forever nakama
(Well, in the end I made a separate post eh? Hahaha!)
April 23, 2015: It was almost 11 o’clock pm when I received a message regarding a one-day trip with my best frands. I expected that we’re going to have our own summer vacation trip but I did not anticipated it to be this early. Apparently, they are planning on going to Fontana Waterpark on April 24, which means at that time it is “tomorrow”. And we haven’t even planned properly yet. Besides, I am not sure if I’ll be able to come since I have a kind of parent who needs to be informed a week before the trip. Hahaha. But I guess that night was different. Yes!
Finally, we’re able to spontaneously plan our long delayed getaway!
I can’t believe I almost forgot that I have a blog. Is that even possible? (No? Okay. Sorry, I was joking.)
I have so much to write on this particular blog post but due to lack of time and motivation, I will just make a summary of what has been happening to my life lately. Or not.
So, for the supposed to be year-ender post. This year gave me so many reasons to be grateful for. Obviously, there were some downs but there were always some ups. There are moments that I definitely want to remember for the rest of my life but there were some too that I wanted leave behind and just label them as my past. To be honest, I did not expect anything for the year 2014. I was too scared to expect that something good will happen, although I was hoping. But things worked the way God wanted them to be and for that I am grateful. I know that I am slowly going back on track. I learned a lot of lessons too, if I truly assess what kind of year is 2014, I can say that it’s full of learnings about myself and the people around me. I learned how to love myself more, to focus on permanent things, to know my priorities, to be independent and at the same time to depend on God more.
I also realized that I don’t have to be like someone else in order to be love or to be like by the people around me. As they always say, the opinion of others does not really matter. Also, in life, some things does not work in a way you wanted them to be, that you cannot just control everything. This year also made me more of a risk-taker. If there is one thing that I’ll never forget about managerial finance that is, the more risk you take, the greater return you get. It will always be worth it, I assure you. Lastly, every journey becomes ultimately fun if you share it with the One who loves you no matter what.
Now, I don’t want to spoil anything for myself so I won’t promise anything but I am already claiming it. Just like what I did last year. So this 2015, I am hoping for more answered prayers, life learnings, and happiest of everything!
“When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down.”
Let’s talk about how I spent my sembreak and the day after that, which is school. Haha!
All I can say is I got all the time I needed to rest, to sleep, to watch, to eat, to do everything that I want. In short, things which are not related to school. Instead of starting to review for our qualifying exam next year, I’ve decided to make this break as an opportunity to give myself a rest. I’m not gonna be productive if I’m going to review anyway. Besides, I’m not yet in the mood to do anything related to school. I had a really tough semester so.. I guess I deserve a little break.
I don’t know how I’m going to start this little recap regarding my bakasyo.. oo bitin! Okay, I cut my hair and yeah (I’m too shy to say it), had a time to watch tv series (I am in love with TWD and suits and the mentalist!!!!), fan girl-ed so much about one direction’s new music video, bought the shoes that I like (OMG!!!), of course Halloween (I don’t like it), spent time with my family and my pets, started my journal (I am excited), and realized that I need to go back on track, I am going to lose if I didn’t and it is not healthy for my life anymore. To sum it up, I had a fun, simple, and a “me&Him” time semestral break.
About school, Idk but I don’t feel anything about going back to school. I guess I am still hoping that they would miraculously extend the break for at least one more week because I’m still feeling weak. Joke. And now that it started, all I can say is sana bakasyon nalang ulit.